lifestyle

Windows into my soul - Part 2

Monday, May 16, 2016



I chose 'windows into my soul' because of the saying and writing this tell all I am basically leaving my soul out in the open. I want to be as honest, especially with how I felt and people I encountered, I struggled with a lot of inner demons especially in my early teen years but I am glad I came out strong and with not a care in the world as to what people think. I use to get comments that my "imaan" or "faith" was not strong when ever I did feel down or question the way I was born, which is why I hit extreme lows emotionally to a certain point where I began to think it was is true - that I was a bad person or Muslim. I would have questions pop into my mind like:

"Why was I born like this?"
"Am I just unlucky?"
"Who would ever like me like this?"
"Does Allah hate me?"

Looking back, I think we all have a journey in this world and dealing with this, going through my bad moments is what made me see the beauty in what Allah made. Yes, I know saying "why me?" is one of the worst things one can say, never question Allah. But as a young person I didn't question Allah in bad way, when you're young you don't understand, you don't have all the answers and that is all you want is answers. Allah knows why, never doubt Him, He knows what He is doing and never be angry with Allah because the end is always sweeter if you're happy with what He gave you. I do think it was Shaitan putting such questions in my mind, I do pray Allah forgives me for the times I doubted the strength He blessed me with and the beauty He gave me. I will say if you ever question Allah or you hear a child question Allah, lead them or your self to a quiet room and talk Allah. Open your heart, tell Him how you feel; He hears everything and only than shall you find peace.

From my first post I got a few people who asked why I say 'blessed' when I talk about this condition, but that's how I honestly feel. I could have been born with it completely shut for it to never open, I could have been born blind...there's so many bad scenarios this condition could have played out but it didn't. Even having this condition is a blessing, I learn't so much I would never have if I didn't have it, I wouldn't be as strong, I wouldn't be this content, I wouldn't be the Zainab I am today. Allah never makes a mistake, from a seed, to an animal, to this world, to humans, each and every single thing created Allah never once made a mistake.

We all have our role and our part, we may have our own personal struggles on our looks or thoughts, like the way our teeth look or our nose look, we may think it doesn't look nice but that's how Allah made us.  As people we have to realise Allah doesn't create us according to the cosmetic trends of the world, remember there was a time a 'big butt' was the worst thing a women could have and now it's 'the bigger the better', or when curves were classified as 'fat' and 'ugly' and now its 'beautiful' and should be 'embraced', I even remember my granny saying in her youth 'thin' lips were classified as beautiful and now 'big lips' is all that surrounds the cosmetic world; from over lining to actual fillers. Cosmetic trends come and go and unless you ever want to be happy with what you have you should never look at yourself as a trend or something that is in fashion now and out-dated tomorrow. Being created by Allah means you're unique, means He chose that nose or those eyes, it's what makes you special and not from a mass production line - embrace how you look.



The struggle to accept is a whole other battle! It's a battle of faith, it's one you have to go through to be fully okay and happy with how you are at the end of the day. It's a battle that doesn't make you a bad Muslim!
I think I emphasis that part a lot because I was called or even thought of myself as a bad Muslim at times, from having the condition to feeling bad about the condition. Everyone says accept and be happy, no one says or realises how HARD that is! It's a battle of not going insane, not becoming a Non-Muslim just by your thoughts, not hating yourself, not going into a depression and a whole other parts. It does not make you a bad Muslim if you have these feelings, especially when it's so new in your life. I do say the one thing that will keep you from going of track is Allah, never forget Allah, always turn to Him, talk to Him even about how you're feeling, I swear you will feel so much better! So having thoughts and feelings bad or good is okay, but turning to Allah will make sure you don't loose your faith completely.

Being from a small town where everyone knows everyone it's hard to get bullied or to bully, because let's just say you got no one else on your side than. I was lucky bullying didn't happen all through my schooling life, because I grew up with a lot of the people I studied with from years back or we started from Grade 1 together. I had friends both Muslim and Non-Muslim that were nice and didn't say anything, someone said years later I didn't even realise you even had a lazy eye or that it was an issue till you pointed it out. I was never taunted or hurt by kids, we all know how mean kids can be nowadays, thankfully I didn't have that on a daily basis. I'd get a question or comment here and there but nothing that was continuous. I was raised to be a strong girl, to never let anyone hurt me physically or emotionally, there were times as I grew up I became bitter and scared, I fought with people to save myself from getting hurt - a survival tactic. As I grew from primary to high-school I realised towards the end of my final year I didn't need to do that, this was me, my eyes were apart of me they were not going to change, they were my normal.

I talked a lot! But, I was also incredibly shy, I don't like public speaking never did, I'd have an anxiety attack going up for an English oral test in class. You do tend to care what people think or how you come across, it held me back a lot in my school years. I do think there were more times that I really was hurt dealing with this condition when I was small, but I think I mentally blocked it from my memory, so there are no scars I have which I am glad for. I think if such situations were repeated at home or walking down memory lane sort of stories and I was constantly reminded what so and so said, I don't think I would be able to say how accepting I am of myself. It's like it happened but it automatically became the past and forgotten. As humans we have to learn to accept our self, our good traits and our flaws, once we are okay with that nothing can hold us back, no one can hurt us, not even ourselves.

As high-school came about, I became super self conscious! My self-esteem was non existent at one point and I went through a very personal dark time. It wasn't even the fact that I had an eye condition that made me feel so bad it was the fact that I was also brace face, with acne and that lovely ugly betty haircut - wow I sound so dramatic! Trying to put on a brave face but not being brave is hard, hearing positive words from my family helped but also did nothing because again, I kept thinking of course they will say this and that, they're my parents or my sister or my aunt or my granny they have to be nice to me. This part of my life I had to go through myself, I have to be okay with and ease my heart with. I went through my emo stage, I was trying to figure myself out which wasn't easy especially growing up being over protected, I was in hijab way to early...let's say it was a time in my life that was very very hard, my hormones were all over the place, there was so much pressure to be a certain type of person ughhh being a teen does really suck! lol and no I didn't do the black lipstick in my emo stage - I was more into writing really sad poetry and not socialising with my family, among other things.

My teen years was again the start of the tech world, we started to get cell phones, but selfies was not a thing at that time, taking family pictures also for some reason slowed down at that point of my life. When it did come a time to take pictures I learn't how to hide my eye condition, I had poses I'd do or where to look so my eye condition wouldn't show. I was incredibly self conscious, I was so fixated on my eyes, in every aspect of my life that I'd notice the slightest difference even if no one else could. I still do that but I think it's a part of me and just how I am to pictures.

In most of my baby pictures you couldn't tell I had an eye issue, even as I grew I posed a lot and I use to give this huge chubby cheek smile that made my eyes small so they looked even. When I do look back at my childhood pictures all I remember are good memories from those times, not once did I think of myself as worrying about my eyes or not wanting to take a picture and that is something I will always cherish.

So stylish eating oranges! LOL

I had good friends and as I grew my group of friends did too. I made some new ones, some closer ones and from different religions, cultures, sides of the world and different races, I surrounded myself with good hearted people that knew me for me, respected me and we were open and they were there for me. It's hard to find a good group of people that you can count on, who aren't your 'friend' out of piety or to make fun of, it was hard to grow up being always be on my game so I'd never be hurt, it's a skill I still use today. My instincts are good and if you have a feeling in the back of your mind telling you something listen, it's usually right. So my instincts on who was making fun of me or trying to be mean in a nice way were usually right, I'm not as confrontational as I use to be. Yes, there are times I will stand up for myself but for the most part I try to put my energy towards good, so I just drift away from such people.

All in all when I look back I didn't let what strangers say to me get to me and when they asked my first answer and it will always be my first answer is "this is how Allah made me" and I would always say it with the most genuine smile, because no matter what emotion I was feeling or what was going through my mind I honestly believed that phrase from the get-go. It was also a line no person could answer back to, I mean when you remind someone of Allah they will never question it.



to be continued
Insha-Allah (if Allah wills)...


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24 comments

  1. "Allah doesn't create us according to the cosmetic trends of the world" If only most of us knew. Ma Sha Allah sister, verily Allah loves you, May His love be forever

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    1. Inssha-Allah one can only hope that what they do in this world makes Allah happy and that He loves us. I have to be honest that while paragraph should be on a picture as a quote because every-time I read my own words I think how true.

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  2. I'm glad I saw this when I woke up, you're sharing such positive vibeezz:)!

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    1. Awww thanks Seneo <3 you're such an amazing friend :)

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  3. I told you already in an other comment that you are a fabulous, fantastic, beautiful and inspiring young woman. In times everybody rushes from diet to diet, putting much more make up in the face, even ondergoing cosmetical surgery for breast implants, we need women standing up and spread the word 'This is how Allah has made me.' Beauty comes from the soul. Or as my grandmother used to say: 'A beautiful cup is useless when it's empty.'

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    1. I love that caption, it's very true. Thank you so much sister Rabia, you're incredibly sweet and I really appreciate your lovely comments :) Yes we do need to embrace how Allah made us, because it's that faith that will make us a better Muslim.

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  4. Assalamoaleykum Zainy,
    I've lived high school as the super fat mammoth pimple face with zero self esteem. I've been the Goth without the black lipstick --- in my heart I still am --- and I had 4 maxillofacial surgeries! A cyst in my gum bone kept coming back and I'd to undergo a procedure called apoplasty (hope i got that right) each time. Three of my teeth at the front suffered. They had to be root canaled and capped. For each repeat surgery the caps were hammered broken and i got new caps. Until i got caps made I roamed the earth with broken blackened front teeth! Think pirate!
    I always questioned "why me?" When the cyst came back until I accepted that's Allah's way of testing me and He only gives as much burden as we can afford. This means He knows I'm this strong!
    I still have chances of the cyst coming back and always will --- it is in the nature of that cyst! Each time my gum is cut open and stitched back.
    I guess we all have our battles to fight! May Allah make things easy for both of us, ameen

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    1. oh my word, thank you for sharing that. I know the pain must be on another level, physically and emotionally it does get to you. You're an amazing women, I don't need to see you or know you to say that because that's what my heart says. I do understand there's a chance it may come back, Insha-Allah it doesn't. You will see in the parts as they unfold how I reveal there's always a chance for things to instantly change. Allah always has a plan; from recurring cysts, to an eye condition to anything else that we consider an obstacle Allah knows what He is doing. I heard a bayaan (lecture) a while back and the Moulana or Mufti said sometimes Allah sends us taps in life - meaning hardships or problems to deal with and that's to remind us of Him, to come back on the right path or just remember Him. Never forget Allah, always says Alhamdulillah in good times and especially in bad. May Allah make easy for you, you are in my duas and so is everyone who is going through something, may Allah not test us to such an extent and if He does may He also bless us with strength to get through it. It is true when people say Allah won't test us in ways we cannot handle, I mean think back the first time, second time you probably didn't think you would handle but you did. You're amazing and so strong and beautiful, may Allah bless you in this world and the next Insha-Allah Ameen.

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  5. This was such a nice evening read Zainab. Every individual is beauty and I must say that it is not seen from the face or by the eyes but it should be felt by the other person's actions and behaviour. You are beautiful!

    Fatima | www.blogsbyfa.com

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    1. Aww jazakallah so much <3 I really appreciate your sweet comment and that is true beauty is, and one should always treat other's nicely :)

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  6. Masha'Allah you were a cute kid! ;) JazakAllah khair for sharing your story. Sorry to hear you hit lows due to people questioning your imaan. I think anyone would question 'why me' especially when young and don't fully understand.
    Alhamdulillah glad you didn't experience any bullying

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    1. Everyone thinks 'why me' at some point in their life; be it financial problems, health or even the loss of someone - we shouldn't forget tests come from Allah and how we react is how we pass or fail. I did to some level but I guess I grew to not care so I either didn't realise it at times or it wasn't important to remember. Jazakallah so much for commenting :) may Allah guide us all to be better Muslims.

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  7. Well Zainy...i am glad you recovered from all this...and with much stronger faith to love Allah and believing on his plans which definetly are best.there could always be low moments in a person's life ..real point is to beat them with firm belief..
    And yes i always wonder when people mess with their looks thrugh cosmetic surgeries that wht are they messing with the creation of creator...
    We all should be thankful to ALLAH..
    Thanks for giving us such wonderful read..

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    1. I know people get braces to fix their teeth or as you will read as I publish more parts what happened with my eye. I have so much more to share and yes messing with Allah's creation is terrible - like you doubt what He created or saying He made a mistake. Allah knows what's best, acceptance and being happy with how He made you is the right way to live, the happy way to live. Surgeries and ways to fix the issue is always there, but alot of people are never happy in the end they either still think they have an issue and need more help or they cannot even afford the help. So isn't it best to be happy with how you're created? Jazakallah so much :) Battle to keep my faith will always be there for so many things that happen in my life, but not losing is the goal.

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  8. I really appreciate you sharing something so personal with all your readers. Insha'Allah it will help other women out there who are struggling with the same self-esteem issues. I think everyone has something in their physical appearance that they dislike. Allah made you just as you need to be.

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    1. That's true everyone has one thing they will always be self conscious about, but also that is how Allah made us so we don't think we're perfect so we don't develop such an ego about our- self. We're humans, created from sand, but Allah molded us to how we should be and that's more than enough to think of how blessed we are alhamdulillah. Jazakallah, I have always wanted to share this and now I finally am, I hope Allah keeps it for the good because I do want to help as many people out there Insha-Allah

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  9. I thought I previously commented here but I'm not sure what happened? Anyways, I am so happy with your outlook on life! We all face obstacles on our everyday life's be it physical or mental; just as you stated, how we handle those obstacles molds us into the people we are today. Everything that happens is the will of Allah, and Alhamdulillah, he makes no mistakes!

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    1. lol it's okay sometimes comments of mine disappear too :) Shukran for commenting anyway :) You are so right, alhamdulillah even the breath we take is a blessing, we should always appreciate because we never know how Allah tests us, even our reaction is a test. May Allah guide us all and forgive us :)

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  10. MashaAllaah Zainab, it's amazing as you are so beautiful and your eyes are actually 1 of your most beautiful features. I always read up now and then on your recipe page as well and you seem to be a warm person and your beautiful inside is also reflecting on the outside. May Allah always keep you strong and protect you from all harm. Aameen

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    1. Aww jazakallah so much :) I really appreciate your sweet words they really made me smile today :D I try to be the best I can be, I know I'm human and I make mistakes. I can only pray for Allah's mercy and guidance :) Ameen

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  11. Masha Allah you are so beautiful...It is true we all have our own battles to fight...

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    1. Aww Jazaka-Allah :) May Allah grant us the strength to fight them Insha-Allah

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  12. A great read. Staying positive among all the critics(we are our biggest critics) can be really hard but not impossible. I am glad that all the things you expereinced as a young girl helped to make you a stronger person, the person you are today.

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    1. Jazakallah so much :) We are our biggest critics that is why the only way to be happy in life is to accept oneself before they can move forward in a healthy way. Alhamdulillah I am happy it did rather than make it worse for me emotionally and physically.

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